and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
50% drunk capacity currently
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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