The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
