i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
