I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize