Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
