im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
