I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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