You made me cry and you don't even care
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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