Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
