i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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