Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
