In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She's not a foreskin expert like you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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