No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
