There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Be still, my beating vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
