We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
