All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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