My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
