remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
