My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
