You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
