Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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