Barsexuality is the new black.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
