life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can you bring me the toilet please
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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