got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
