what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
