My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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