i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
