I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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