I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
