Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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