Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
