Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
