just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
