Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
