Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
