anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
