I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
