he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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