Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
