I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
