u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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