Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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