New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
