no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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