his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
