just come out here and I will go home with you...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize