did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
