You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
