dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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