Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
