On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
