That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
