moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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