I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
