I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
