just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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