How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
