I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
