you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
