Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
