Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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